BREAKING NEWS: The Pfister Lion has released this statement in response to recent reports of Milwaukee citizens sighting what has been dubbed The Milwaukee Lion.
Dear Sir, site
How dare you! How dare you, I say!
This temerity must end, and it must end now!
Your audacious behavior, now, during Milwaukee’s well-deserved salad days of summer is beyond the pale.
You, sir, bring shame to the mane.
Prancing and flouncing about the city streets of Milwaukee like you are some kind of royal isn’t noble. It’s tacky.
Royals do not walk around without purpose. We sit. Very still. For very long periods of time. You think it’s easy? It’s not, my dear stroller. It takes massive core strength, and a mastery of low breathing to avoid sneezing or yawning.
I hope that this feline Rumspringa of yours is some sort of juvenile ruse. You know we royal lions are laughing at you now as you ramble aimlessly around Milwaukee feebly trying to find your way to Chill on the Hill. You can’t see us laughing, of course, because, as previously noted, we have no need to parade around like some vulgarian, dare I say like a common peacock. If you could see me now you would shudder at the enormity of my stillness. It is beautifully boring.
I will also remind you, your timing could not be more absurd. Have you not tuned into any of the news outlets decrying the real terror of the summer of 2015? This is not our year, sir. No, no. My friend, if the North Carolina shark community gets wind of your shenanigans, don’t say I didn’t warn you to turn tail and run as fast as you can for the highest tree you can find.
I implore you to be reasonable and wise in considering your next moves. I understand this wanderlust yours, but remember that you belong to a revered line of regal, muscle bound, kitties. Have your fun, we’ll all look the other if this is all about some sort of torrid rendezvous with a tiger on the side, and get back to the business of being The King. (Or, Queen…I am after all fully open and affirming to whatever lifestyle choice is yours.)
Yours with the greatest indignation,
The Pfister Lion (The One on the Left)